Teamwork
by The Lark
Summary: Valjean and Eponine team up to split up Marius and Cosette. And yes, it's as weird as it sounds.
1. Chapter One

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Teamwork

By The Lark

Disclaimer: Okay, in case you haven't seen the disclaimers on all the other stuff in this category--Les Miserables belongs to Hugo, and the musical belongs to Boubil and Schonberg or Cameron MacIntosh or someone. NOTHING belongs to me. 

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Rue Plumet, 1832

Marius: *with a dopey grin plastered to his face* No, I wuv _you _more

Cosette: *giggle* No, I wuv _you _more!

Marius: *giggle* No, I wuv _you _more!

Cosette: No, I w-- uh-oh, the sun is rising. We've been doing this for nearly seven hours.

Marius: *rising* Well, I guess I'd better be going. Who knows, the neighbors might do something interesting for a change today, and I'll miss it if I'm not at my knothole.

Cosette: *sniffle* Why can't you spy on _me_ instead, like you used to? *stomps off, looking wounded* I've been suspecting this for some time. You're stalking another woman, aren't you? YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!! *breaks into tears*

Marius: *looks frazzled* Well, what else am I supposed to do all day? I don't have a job and TV won't be invented for another seventy years or so.

Cosette: Don't try to make excuses, you cad! *slaps Marius* I knew I should have never disobeyed my daddy. He told me never to trust anybody but him, but did I listen? No-o!

Marius: Uh…I love you?

Cosette: *melts* Aww, I can never resist that face. *whispering slyly* Come on, let's go hide in those trees and …stare into each other's faces!

Marius: *hesitates* But there might be spiders in there, and…*shiver* Oh, heck, let's live dangerously! 

*They run off, giggling sneakily*

Eponine: *wanders dejectedly out of her spying place behind the gate* On my own again…*sigh*

*Mournful music plays on some invisible set of chimes* 

Eponine: Hey, cut that out! You're cheesing up my scene! *hurls a stone into the distance*

*CRASH!*

The Lark: *storms out of the dark carrying a bent set of chimes* Fine! I was just trying heighten the freakin' drama! *stomps away*

Eponine: Now, where was I? Oh, yes. *clears her throat* May as well hang around here until he leaves. Who knows? He might get attacked by a spider. *brightens* Maybe I could stomp on it for him! Then I'd be his hero. Hee hee, he'd have to love me then! *Begins to check under bench for spiders*

Valjean: *hanging out a window with a trumpet to his ear* Um, excuse me young lady, could you keep it down out there? Some of us are trying to eavesdrop, here. *fiddles with his ear trumpet* Ugh…*looks nauseated* Sounds like the boy's reciting more of that God-awful love poetry at her…

Eponine: Ah, it's the uptight father *to Valjean* You know, Monsieur Fauchelevent, if you'd give him half a chance, you and Marius could be great friends. He likes eavesdropping too.

Valjean: *scowls* Get off my property!

Eponine: *snickers sarcastically* No way. You think I'm going to leave my poor sweet Marius alone with _her_ ?

Valjean: What do you care, anyway?

Eponine: *waves a hand in front of his face* Um, hello, I'm dangerously obsessed with him, I've been stalking him for the past couple of years, remember? I sang that big heartbreaking song all about it, right outside your door--don't tell me you didn't hear!

Valjean: Oh, right, now I remember. 

Eponine: *lights up* Wait a minute. M. Fauchelevent, I've got a great idea.

Valjean: What?

Eponine: Well, you've lost your daughter to Marius, right?

Valjean: *closes his fist on his ear trumpet, crumpling it into a hunk of twisted metal* Yes *begins to snarl and froth at the mouth*

Eponine: And I've lost my boyfriend to Cosette. So, the only sensible thing left for us to do is…*trails off, waiting for him to finish the sentence*

Valjean: Huh? *looks uneasy* Look, I'm flattered, mademoiselle, but I don't date!

Eponine: *buries her face in her hands in exasperation* No, no, no! I meant that we should work together to split them up. 

Valjean: Oh! I get'cha. *looks thoughtful* But just in case it doesn't work, will you be my daughter instead?

Eponine: *sigh* Then again, maybe I'll just stick with the spider-rescue plan

Valjean: *sniffle* I just don't want to be alone!

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A/N: Hehe, yeah. I don't know what I was thinking, either. To be continued…


	2. Chapter Two

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Eponine: Alright then, M. Fauchelevent, just wait here and I--M. Fauchelevent? *shakes Valjean* M. Fauchelevent?

Valjean: *hugs Cosette's old clothes, crying and periodically blowing his nose into them* Oh, how wretched I am! My only child has deserted me! Now I shall surely die, alone with my misery! Oh, woe! And all because this little player has seen fit to seduce my poor innocent little girl away from--

Eponine: Keep it down--do you want them to hear us? *sigh* You know, my boyfriend likes to make long self-pitying monologues too. Why can't you just give him a chance?

Valjean: *quirks an eyebrow* Boyfriend? 

Eponine: *sniffle* Alright, fine, so he's not my boyfriend yet…*her lips trembles* You don't have to rub it in! *begins to cry into his sleeve*

Valjean: *looks awkward* Uh, no offense intended. Stop that!

Eponine: *can't hear him over her own bawling* _I looooove him, but every day I'm le-e-earning---all my life, I've only been pretending! _

Policeman #1: *bangs at the gate* Hello? This is the Paris Police, now open up!

Eponine: Gah! They're after me! *jumps under the bench*

Valjean: Gah! They're after me! *dives for the bench* Get out of there--that's my hiding place!

Policeman #2: Open up in there!

Valjean: Uh-oh, they've seen me *turns several odd colors* Is there a problem officers?

Policeman #1: We're with the Paris Stalker Patrol--we have an arrest warrant here for a Monsieur Marius Pontmercy.

Valjean: *brightens* Oh! *unlocks the gate* Well, in that case, come on in.

Policeman #1: We got a call from a Monsieur Rene Courfeyrac earlier this evening, and he told us--*studies Valjean closely* Wait a minute…Valjean?

Valjean: *scrutinizes the cop's face* Javert!

Javert: It _is_ you! *to his partner* This is the one I told you about, Pierre! Haha! I've finally cornered him! *cuffs Valjean*

Valjean: NOOOOOOO!

Pierre: *looks Valjean over* _This _is the big deal? It took you ten years to catch this poor old grandpa?

Javert: Don't be fooled! He's probably been doing all sorts of depraved things while he's been in hiding.

Valjean: Actually, I've spent most of the past few years tending the gardens in a convent.

Pierre: *sarcastically* Wow. And to think, if not for us, this guy could be running loose on the streets.

Javert: *defensively* Well, what about all that money he got from conning the innocent townspeople?

Valjean: Actually, I've been using it to fund the upbringing of an orphan girl I rescued from an abusive foster home.

Javert: *stuffs a gag in his mouth* Tell it to the judge, 24601!

Pierre: You know, you really ought to consider taking a vacation one of these days. 

Javert: Why, I ought to-- *He is interrupted by a sneeze coming from under the bench* What was that? *grabs Valjean by the collar* So, you have an accomplice, huh? Pierre, get him!

Pierre: *pulls Eponine out* Hey, it's a gamine

Javert: Wait a minute, I know her! She's that Jondrette guy's daughter!

Eponine: *panicking* No! You must be mistaken. My name is--uh…Cosette Fauchelevent! The girl you're looking for is on the other side of those trees by the fence.

Javert: Ha! Nice try. Book her, Pierre. *leading Valjean away* Two arrests in one night--I might just get a promotion out of this.

Pierre: Say, if you were to get promoted, does that mean I'd get a new partner?

Javert: Yes.

Pierre: *perks up* Well, when you put it like that… *cuffs Eponine enthusiastically* You have the right to remain silent! Let's move!

Javert: *singing triumphantly* _And so it must be, for so it is written, on the doorway to Paradise, that those who falter and those who fall, must pay the price!_

Valjean: Ugh. This isn't going well at all.

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A/N: Sorry, kind of a weird chapter. I just had minor surgery, and have been tanked out on pain killers for the past few days; maybe that has something to do with it. More to come!


	3. Chapter Three

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Chapter Three

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The Grand Chatelet Prison, 1832

Valjean: You can't lock me up! I'm the protagonist, damn it! *rattling at the bars of some dungeon* Why, God, why?!

Eponine: *stoops to pick something up* Hey, my other earring. I've been looking for that *reminiscent smile* Ah, my old cell. There're a lot of memories here

Shadowy Figure: *on the other side of the cell* Could you keep it down a little over there? We're _trying _plot an escape over here!

Eponine: Well, quit shouting about it, then. These bars aren't soundproof, you know.

Combeferre: *steps out of the shadows* Please, Mademoiselle, don't make Enjolras any madder than he already is *wince*

Enjolras: I have every right to be mad! I didn't do anything wrong! This is just another example of our corrupt justice system in action

Valjean: What do you mean? What are you in for?

Enjolras: *shuffles his feet* Well, actually…I'm in for…*trails off into a mumble*

Eponine: What?

Enjolras: *his face turning as red as his vest* Public Nudity! There, I said it! Happy?!

Eponine: Um…okaaaaaay…

Enjolras: It wasn't my fault!

Valjean: Right…

Enjolras: It was that damned gamin's doing! He snuck into my room while I was sleeping, stole all the clothes in my closet, and left me an outfit with "God Save the King" written on the front!

Valjean: Why didn't you just put it on?

Enjolras: *looks insulted* Never!

Combeferre: *muffled laughter*

Enjolras: SHUT UP!

Eponine and Valjean: *muffled laughter*

Enjolras: YOU TOO!

Valjean: Who died and made you boss?

Enjolras: Robespierre

Combeferre: Enjolras, can you just settle down? I'm trying to draw up plans for the escape tunnel

Valjean: And what are _you_ doing here?

Combeferre: I tried to smuggle him a file in a cake

Eponine: And they caught you in the act?

Combeferre: Oh, no. They just locked me in here because some guy named Inspector Javert wanted the cake for himself. *looks over his blueprints* Well, we're all set. Enjolras, go get the spoon and start digging

Enjolras: *frown* Hey, I'm your supreme commander. _You _start digging

Valjean: *lights up* Say, I just happen to possess superhuman strength. If you let me escape with you, I'll dig the tunnel. *shudder* I hate to think what that _boy _has been up to with my daughter while I've been stuck in here

Eponine: *looks pensive* Hmm…*getting worried* Gah! *runs to the wall and begins to burrow madly* I'm coming, Marius!

*A few hours later*

Valjean: *burrows up through his front lawn* Heh heh. We made it!

Eponine: *climbs out* Thank heavens! *to Valjean* Now, come on. We have to go find Marius and Cosette before it's too late!

Enjolras: *emerging* Marius and Cosette?

Combeferre: *curious* You don't mean Marius Pontmercy, do you?

Eponine: *dreamy sigh* Mmm…yes…

Valjean: *looks ill*

Enjolras: Why, he's one of my followers! What do you want with him?

Eponine: Well, you see, he's in love with Monsieur Fauchelevent's daughter, and since Monsieur Fauchelevent is such an overprotective maniac, he wants to put a stop to it. I decided that it would be good for us to work together, since I want Marius for myself.

Combeferre: *his eyes lighting up* Oh, so _you're_ lovesick psycho he's always talking about?

Eponine: *jumping up and down* You mean he mentioned me? Yay!

Enjolras: Say, why don't you let us tag along with you?

Valjean: Why?

Enjolras: Because I'm sick of that lovesick fool wasting precious rioting time writing love poetry for that girlfriend of his!

Valjean: Well! Come on then, time's wasting!

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Still continued…


	4. Chapter Four

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Chapter Four

The Gorbeau Tenement, 1832

Enjolras: *tiptoes up the stairs with a large sack in his hand* Okay, so here's the plan. I'll knock on the door. When he comes out, we toss him in the sack, and beat some sense into his head

Eponine: *blink* That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard

Combeferre: Enjolras, you've got to stop using violence as a solution to all problems.

Enjolras: *glare* Either of you have a better idea?

Eponine: *jumps on that* Well, after we've got him tied up in the sack, I could just take him back to my place and snuggle him until he sees the light

Valjean: That's not any better! I still think we should use my idea

Combeferre: For the last time, Monsieur Fauchelevent, we're not chaining him to the keel of a ship bound for Africa! I still say that maybe we should try holding an intervention for--

Enjolras: *stamps his foot loudly* Everyone be quiet! Now, we're sticking to the plan, and that's the end of it!

Valjean: *sulks*

Eponine: *sulks*

Combeferre: *sulks*

Enjolras: *knocks on door* Pontmercy? Oh, Pontmercy?

Thenardier: *emerges from next door* Azelma? What are you doing?

Eponine: *sigh* Dad, I'm Eponine.

Thenardier: Whatever

Eponine: We're looking for Monsieur Marius. You seen him?

Thenardier: Monsieur who?

Eponine: Grr! That dreamy lawyer who you're always making me weasel money from, remember?

Thenardier: Oh, him. The cops hauled him away earlier this morning.

Eponine: What?! Why?

Thenardier: Something about stalking, I think. *shrug*

Valjean: *gleefully* Heh heh! About time! *heads home*

Enjolras: *gets a light bulb over his head* Another of my men fallen victim to our corrupt justice system!

Combeferre: *sigh* Enjolras…

Enjolras: A martyr for the cause! Our number of supporters is going to double when this gets out! *runs away, already plotting*

Combeferre: Enjolras, wait! *runs after him*

Eponine: *gasp* My poor sweet Marius! I've got to help him! *hurries away*

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The Grand Chatelet Prison, 1832

Marius: *locked into a dark cell, humming the Work Song under his breath*

Eponine: *taps at the bars* Monsieur Marius, I just heard the news! My poor darling, are you all right in there?

Marius: Eponine, what are you doing here?

Eponine: I came to tell you I love you!

Marius: *frowns* What?

Eponine: I love you, Marius!

Marius: *sigh* Well, I'm flattered, but I'm afraid I-I…

Eponine: *looks at the floor sadly* I know, I know, you're still in love with Cosette

Marius: *glare* That little two-timer? Never!

Eponine: What?

Marius: She dumped me for some guy she just met this morning! Can you believe that?

Eponine: *shrieks with joy* Yes! She's finally out of the picture! You're mine, all mine!

Marius: No. I'm afraid that can never be

Eponine: What?

Marius: I've decided to swear off of romance. It's nothing but trouble. From now on, I'm devoting my life to two things. Napoleon, and scrubbing the mildew out of this cell.

Eponine: No!

Marius: Goodbye, Eponine.

Eponine: *flees the dungeon, crying*

Pierre: *posted at the exit* Didn't go well, I take it?

Eponine: *sniffle* He dumped me! He actually dumped me! Now who am I going to stalk in my spare time? Who am I going to sing angst for? *bursts into tears again*

Pierre: *looking starstruck* Wow. You like angst too? Say, you don't happen to have a boyfriend, do you?

Eponine: *brightens* How do you feel about rain and flowers?

Pierre: Uh…I love them?

Eponine: *blushes* Hehe…has anyone ever told you you look great in that uniform?

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Corny romantic music begins to play on those stupid chimes again

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Rue Plumet:

Valjean: *reaches his home* Well, that was an experience I never want to repeat! But, hey, at least this whole crazy episode is over, and my daughter and I can get back to our nice, quiet life together *opens the gate, only to find…*

Cosette: *sitting on the bench with a young, blond sailor* Oh, Raoul, it was so brave of you to save me from those police. I love you! Honestly, I don't know what I ever saw in that Marius guy.

Raoul de Chagny: It's so nice to finally meet a woman without any symptoms of schizophrenia! *sighs contentedly* I love you, Cosette!

*They kiss*

Valjean: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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THE END


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